Look....Its Funny!!

thecatsgrin · Joined: 18 Apr 2009 Posts: 2181 Location: Gippsland

Hi there all....
Im tired of the serious stuff at the moment!!
I have also really enjoyed all the funny captions!!
Soooo...if anyone else is interested, i thought i would spread some cheer and post some 'funny's'
Please help me add to the list!!

Jokes, photos etc!!!

[color=red]Blonde Mortician[/color]
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the widow how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...

So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

pugwash · Joined: 04 Jul 2007 Posts: 1380 Location: Perth

thecatsgrin · Joined: 18 Apr 2009 Posts: 2181 Location: Gippsland

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher '

It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say ' Fruit', the rottweiler ate him!

ocker1 · Joined: 27 Sep 2008 Posts: 775 Location: NZ

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse........

next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

patsy · Joined: 29 Nov 2008 Posts: 300 Location: Perth

That's soo funny wasn't expecting it

thecatsgrin · Joined: 18 Apr 2009 Posts: 2181 Location: Gippsland

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

KimO · Joined: 06 Feb 2007 Posts: 1470

love it

ocker1 · Joined: 27 Sep 2008 Posts: 775 Location: NZ

Thought for the day!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and #### today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040

there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.!!!

thecatsgrin · Joined: 18 Apr 2009 Posts: 2181 Location: Gippsland

Mums in group therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.
You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on D*ck, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.

sunfire · Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 1430 Location: Toodyay

A woman, renewing her driver's license at the Motor Registration office, was asked by the counter clerk to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the counter clerk, "do you have a job or are you just a. . .?" :Of couse I have a job," snapped the woman, "I'm a Mum."
"We don't list "Mum" as an occupation, housewife covers it," said the clerk emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation at our own Medicare office. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it? I do not know, The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared in wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionaire.
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what do you do in your field?"

Cooly and without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) In the laboratory and in the field. (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already I have four credits (all daughters)."

"Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it.) But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the voice of the clerk as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into the driveway, buoyed by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7.
and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, ( a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy !! And I had gone on record as someone more distinguished and indespensable to mankind than "just another Mum". Motherhood !!

What a glorious career!! Especially when there's a name on the door.
Does this make Grandmothers "Senior Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and Great Grandmothers . . . "Executive Senior Research Associates." I think so. I also think it makes Aunts "Associates Research Assistants."

thecatsgrin · Joined: 18 Apr 2009 Posts: 2181 Location: Gippsland

A rich man living in Darwin , Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his
Mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating
Prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in..'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc and kicking its ass, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail
And flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
Goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said,
'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you
Want?

Colin said, 'I want the bastard who pushed me in the
Pool.'

Dug · Joined: 04 Jul 2005 Posts: 4837 Location: Gippsland

Did you hear about the 2 goldfish in the tank ?

One turns to the other and says

"You drive, I'll load the guns"

thecatsgrin · Joined: 18 Apr 2009 Posts: 2181 Location: Gippsland

velvet · Joined: 14 Oct 2005 Posts: 1655 Location: Hunter Valley

I like this thread.

I received the following in the eeeeemail recently, it's not a joke but it's funny ...

thecatsgrin · Joined: 18 Apr 2009 Posts: 2181 Location: Gippsland