Look....Its Funny!!

thecatsgrin · Joined: 18 Apr 2009 Posts: 2181 Location: Gippsland

BOTTLE OF MERLOT

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:

"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Italy, South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch
in California. There is over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account
and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.

Just send the bottle back."

ocker1 · Joined: 27 Sep 2008 Posts: 775 Location: NZ

A woman who was beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor.
Doctor: What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it.Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!

thecatsgrin · Joined: 18 Apr 2009 Posts: 2181 Location: Gippsland

Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for a condom. The reception says, shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies…..

Don’t be thucking thupid I’d thufficate

Devilbiss · Joined: 06 Jul 2007 Posts: 3214

thecatsgrin · Joined: 18 Apr 2009 Posts: 2181 Location: Gippsland

thecatsgrin · Joined: 18 Apr 2009 Posts: 2181 Location: Gippsland

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said
beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing.
So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper........

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the
rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare
ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling
around in the garden..

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was
the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting
to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was
hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the
controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager
for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger
oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

ocker1 · Joined: 27 Sep 2008 Posts: 775 Location: NZ

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.

“Six pence,” says the chemist.

“How much for a new one?”

“Ten pence,”says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says. “We’ll have a new one.”

thecatsgrin · Joined: 18 Apr 2009 Posts: 2181 Location: Gippsland

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."

ocker1 · Joined: 27 Sep 2008 Posts: 775 Location: NZ

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll,
She came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most
Beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
Of my tomato garden, naked in my trench coat, and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try
Doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
It would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
Flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by, and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."

ocker1 · Joined: 27 Sep 2008 Posts: 775 Location: NZ

The SHARING of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

'THE TEETH

thecatsgrin · Joined: 18 Apr 2009 Posts: 2181 Location: Gippsland

ocker1 · Joined: 27 Sep 2008 Posts: 775 Location: NZ

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you..'

The Banker looks down in horror.

'BLOODY HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????.

thecatsgrin · Joined: 18 Apr 2009 Posts: 2181 Location: Gippsland

36 Rules of Life

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in
a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.

9. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well; stay fit; die anyway.

14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24 Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be 'meetings.'

27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background is that deep
down inside we ALL believe we are above average drivers.

36. Your friends love you anyway.

The Pook · Joined: 01 Feb 2007 Posts: 2904 Location: Tasmania

Number 33 above indicates this list was drawn up by a Queenslander

velvet · Joined: 14 Oct 2005 Posts: 1655 Location: Hunter Valley

A turkey and a chicken were standing by a road. The turkey says "I think I might go across."
"Don't!" says the chicken, "You'll never hear the end of it."